The week before our wedding, I was a fucking nightmare mess of a hell bitch.
You may recall this extremely partial list of things that made me freak out during wedding week. Let me expand with a few more stories:
- When my aunt was stuck on the porch because I couldn’t hear her knock over the roar of our box fan, I took it out on Collin. I’d been complaining about the noisy fan for months, constantly pleading with him to avoid using it despite our inadequate air conditioning upstairs. So after I found my aunt waiting (extremely patiently, I have to note!) on my porch, I rudely demanded that Collin throw away the fan immediately. I think I yelled something melodramatic like, “GET THAT FAN OUT OF MY SIGHT!” And then I stormed out the door to get
lunchmargaritas with my aunt and sister. When we got back, not only was the offending box fan in the dumpster, but Collin had made a quick shopping trip to replace it with a delightfully quiet new fan. Which earned him approximately 50,000 good almost-husband points. I have a feeling I will be telling this story someday beginning with “Let me tell you how wonderful a husband your grandfather is.”
- After cutting and running from the Extended Family Restaurant Seating Debacle, I popped in for a visit with my friend Annie, not only so I could rant at her and drink some of her whiskey, but also to raid my friend Abby’s (from whom Annie was subletting) costume chest (yes, Abby has a costume chest. This is how my friends roll). Abby’s costume chest is a vintage sailing trunk that she keeps on its side and uses as something of an end table in her living room (because unnecessary vintage furniture purchases are how Abby rolls). Once I cleared it off and got it oriented upright I realized I didn’t have any idea how to open it. There was a key in its central lock, but I couldn’t get it to turn. The key was bent a bit and looked like it hadn’t been touched in a while, so I assumed it was decorative, not functional. I asked Annie to help me try to figure it out, but she couldn’t get it either. We contacted Abby, and she took a moment from her crazy busy opening-night-for-the-theater-company-I-run-is-tomorrow-and-so-is-my-flight-home schedule to text “Use the key.” So we went back to trying the key. I took a restroom break, and I heard Annie swear loudly from the living room. I immediately knew what happened. The key snapped off in the lock. So then Annie and I spent a good twenty minutes trying to pick the lock on an antique sailing trunk with butter knives and tweezers. I gave up first, lying on the ground literally cracking up—my wedding week had become a farce, and the only option was laughter with a potential rider for tears. Annie earned Wedding Hero status by taking over the problem for me, calling a locksmith in the morning, saving not only my photobooth prop selection but my friendship with Abby.
Photo by Annie D.
- The ceremony rehearsal was actually incredibly smooth sailing, especially considering we had twenty-sixpeople appearing in our ceremony (this is what happens when you have your twelve best friends walk you down the aisle). I give all credit to our planner Shannon who a) was able to visualize the complicated ceremony from my amateur script b) knows how to wrangle 26 people, even the ones known as “the Muppets” or “the hootenanny” in part because they are so difficult to wrangle.
Photos by Louis Stein. Unexpected advantage of friendor photographer? Having pro-level photos of the rehearsal. This one is one of my favorites from the entire weekend:
- Once the ceremony was worked out, Collin made an announcement to the group that no one was allowed to ask me any more logistical questions. He made sure everyone had Shannon’s number, his number, and my sister’s number, and I was completely absolved of DUTY to get the show on the road. I just had to show up. THIS WAS BRILLIANT, PEOPLE. Make this announcement! Because from this point on, I was successfully able to switch into party mode in the time it took me to curl my hair (my long hair’s last hurrah, I kept saying) and drink some champagne with my best friends. So I was ready to go PARTY at our rehearsal dinner, which I will recap next.