Ah, the joys of married life. Now, instead of getting a weekly email reminder of how I’m failing at planning my wedding from The Knot, I get a new list of ways I’m failing at life from The Nest.
This week, The Nest clued me (and the rest of us married women) into 13 Ways You’re Screwing Up Your Relationship. It included the usual suspects from not having enough sex to not having good enough sex, from talking too much to not talking enough.
My biggest problem with this list isn’t that it provides the most contradictory and exacting standards for good behavior since the Bible, or even that it is transparently hostile to the self-esteem of its readers. It is how this list barely scratches the surface of Horrible Marriage-Sabotaging Mistakes women make on a daily basis that must be corrected now before we end up
satisfied with how we are conducting our lives DIVORCED!
So as a public service I am expanding on The Nest’s list with 50 more ways you ARE screwing up your relationship:
- Old hole-y underwear.
- Too much new underwear. Who are you trying to impress? Are you having an affair?
- You snore.
- You half-assed it the last time you did the dishes and your partner found a reconstituted piece of spinach in his cereal bowl this morning.
- Your job sucks. Get a better job.
- You care too much about your career.
- Your commute is too long.
- You also spend too much time at home.
- Why are you always going out? You’re not some single kid living it up anymore, you are married now!
- You invade upon your partner’s friend time.
- Why won’t you ever hang out with my friends?
- Your ankles make that crazy loud popping sound when you get off of the couch.
- You shouldn’t have cut your hair.
- Why haven’t you changed your hair in so long? Don’t get into a style rut!
- You shop too much.
- Haven’t you already worn that outfit? DON’T GET INTO A STYLE RUT!
- You don’t kiss your partner enough.
- You don’t wear makeup anymore.
- Ew, you got lipstick all over your partner’s face!
- You need dental work.
- Your stock portfolio is an embarrassment, even in this economy.
- You faked it last night.
- You are not sufficiently utilizing social media.
- You have more Facebook friends than your partner.
- You didn’t turn the bathroom fan on last time you took a dump.
- You still have notes from your high school classes stashed away in a closet somewhere.
- You leave the DVR overloaded with cable reality series.
- You make fun of your partner’s favorite TV shows.
- Your heels are too high for you to walk as fast as your partner wants to walk.
- You drank the last beer.
- You drink beer.
- You are putting too much pressure on your partner to start having babies.
- You aren’t worrying enough about your fertility.
- You consistently mispronounce “comparable.”
- The fan on your laptop is too noisy.
- You left the milk out of the fridge.
- You got too angry when your partner left the milk out of the fridge.
- You don’t let yourself get angry enough.
- You don’t apologize enough.
- You demand too many apologies.
- You sneeze too loudly.
- You never know where the things your partner is looking for are.
- You never want to answer the door when the pizza delivery arrives.
- Why aren’t you cooking dinner, anyway?
- You steal the covers.
- You don’t make the bed.
- Or wash the sheets enough, ew, don’t you know that bed bugs are an epidemic?
- The motor on your washing machine is on its last legs and it is probably because you tried throwing the comforter in there.
- Sometimes your eyelids get really shiny and it’s very distracting.
- You have your period.
So get to work on those flaws, lady, or you’ll be alone again in no time.