Rest of the World, I don’t know if you know this already, but just in case I need to be the one to break this to you: America thinks you stink.
[And we know that you think we are loud and fat and stupid and prudish. And yes, we are usually at least two of those things. But there's nothing really wrong with being loud or fat, so STEP OFF, STINKOS!]
I’ve heard tell that Americans have this obnoxious nose-turning attitude because we all shower constantly and the rest of the world either knows better or doesn’t have the time or water to shower on the daily. But know this, my fellow Americans: for pretty much my entire life (sparing a brief period of addiction to Bikram yoga) I have showered only a few times per week. And I have managed to do this without stinking in all but the most dire of circumstances. So I knew there had to be another reason we think foreigners stink. (I figured it was probably just xenophobia.)
But in my time of exile I have come to know the truth: THIS IS WHY THE WORLD STINKS:
Inferior antiperspirant-deodorant formulations!
World, what are you thinking? Aerosols and roll-ons? This is the 21st century! Why are you still using this crap when solid deodorant has been around for decades now! Allow me to enumerate some of the benefits of stick deodorant over your inferior products:
- Unlike roll-ons and aerosols, solid deodorant does not create the unpleasant feeling of underarm wetness which the product is designed to prevent in the first place!
- Which means you do not have to stand around flopping your arms like chicken wings with unpleasantly damp joints while you wait to be able to get dressed. With solid deodorant, you do not need to WAIT TO BE ABLE TO GET DRESSED.
- Or, if you are wearing sufficiently stretchy clothing, you can even put on your deodorant AFTER you dress, which keeps it all in your armpit as opposed to in ugly stripes on the sides of your clothing.
- And it’s not even that important that you can easily put on stick deodorant with your clothes on, because it actually generally remains effective all day long, unlike roll-ons and sprays that start to give up the ghost around four or five hours in, like I’m supposed to schedule six five-minute breaks in my day where I will take off my clothes, reapply my gross wet deodorant, and then stand around for five minutes waiting for it to dry so I can get dressed again. I don’t like changing clothes that many times in a day. This isn’t Clarissa Explains It All, people!
- And let me just reiterate one more time, because this really is the kicker: stick deodorant is actually effective in combating human stinkiness.
To be fair, there are a few stick deodorants available here, but they make up such a tiny market share no one seems to care about keeping them up to modern standards. No “invisible dry.” No “sensitive skin.” No fantastic scents like cocoa butter or lemon and ginger! The variety of stick deodorants available seems to extend to “lady” and “man.”
And they are overpriced. And they have that dusty dingy look of a product that’s been withering on a shelf for five years, which isn’t really what you look for when you are trying to buy something to keep you smelling fresh.
I guess this is just another thing I’ll be stockpiling when I visit the US.