I was a very late adopter of Facebook, for reasons too complicated to get into [wait, not really: 1) I'm a late adopter of everything 2) Around the time I was about ready to "finally" join, I suddenly had to face the specter of "so your parents died?" messages on my wall, and I couldn't deal with that.] So certain things about Facebook that everyone else has learned to ignore still catch my attention and alternately bewilder and enrage me.
For example: “You may know [insert person you do, in fact, know, but wish you didn't]“ Or, the subject of today’s rageblog, targeted advertising.
As far as Robin Hitchcock, Professor Emeritus in Media Studies as NotReally University, is concerned, targeted advertising is the most important thing about Facebook. When I watched The Social Network, I was all, “Ok, ok, bitches be crazy, Justin Timberlake has curly hair too, remind my sister to name any potential boy baby ‘Uardo, get to the advertising stuff already!” I am fascinated by targeted advertising and sometimes wish I studied it in school so I could have one of those ridiculous jobs where you tweet for a living [I also wish I had my own pizzeria sometimes, so my passing flights of alternative career path fancy should be pretty much entirely disregarded.]
Because of this fascination, I was able to calmly abide all my Facebook ads becoming wedding-related when my relationship status switched to engaged. [Although the ones for engagement rings confused me, because do that many people get engaged ringless, or is that more about trading up?] I pretty much only X’d out the ones about weight loss.
I foolishly believed that when my status went to plain-old-married my ads would revert to being determined by simple things like my location and age. NOPE. Being married makes me a target audience. For lame-shaming.
Didn’t you know? Married people are lame. We don’t have fun anymore. We’re married. We need to spice things up! We need to get our groove back! We are staring down the barrel of forever. The only solution is consumerism.
The ad pictured above makes me want to punch the internet and/or cry. Boy do I ever hate being in a place in my life where “make him drool again” can be fairly expected to tap into my spend-happy insecurities. I have been married for THREE MONTHS (and yes, that information is available on Facebook. They’ve thought of everything!) That is TOO SOON to need a freaking corset to make my husband drool. IS THIS BECAUSE I CUT MY HAIR? COLLIN LIKES IT, I SWEAR! BUT NO ONE HITS ON ME ANYMORE!!!! NOT EVEN LESBIANS! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I NEED MORE LINGERIES!!
Ok, whew. Sorry, flew off the handle a little bit there. But gosh, did this ad ever worm inside of my head. And ugh, that “girls our age” remark? If you’re talking about “our age” in a “shit, we old” sense, you should not be using the word “girls.” That is creepy. Also, when exactly did I get old enough for an advertisement to commiserate with me about how “we” are old? Was it the day I got married? Did that somehow age me up ten years? Again, my age is RIGHT THERE on Facebook. Or am I really that old in the eyes of advertisers? What the hell is going to happen when I turn 30? Will it be all polident and aspercreme and Matlock: The Complete Series on BluRay?
And what the hell kind of ads do the “It’s Complicated” people get?