I hate the Olympics.
This often shocks people to discover, probably because my hatred of the Olympics really doesn’t mesh with some other prominent parts of my personality, like my overactive patriotism and excessive enjoyment of spectating sport.
I have my reasons, if you care:
- Too many bullshit “sports” are involved like, really, CANOE SLALOM? Come on.
- The hyper-dramatic, emotionally manipulative coverage of athletes’ adversity, such that I feel like I should cry when whatever poor bastard comes in FOURTH PLACE OUT OF THE ENTIRE WORLD because did you see about how he beat cancer and is doing this in honor of his dead sister and the silver place finisher is his childhood best friend and now they are hugging and crying?
- Horrific pageantry that results in things like this:
- They completely take over television and the universe’s attention for FAR TOO LONG.
That said, I have in the past let myself catch a touch of the Olympic fever. The 2010 Hockey Gold Medal Game was AMAZING FUN even though a) we lost and b) it was hockey.
And this still makes me get choked up:
WAIT, HOLD UP, I just shed an actual tear. Oh, Kerri Strug, you are a real American hero.
ANYWAY, there are a variety of factors conspiring to make me possibly not hate the Olympics this year:
- I am homesick and my need to bask in the glory of America is greater than ever.
- I will also be delighted by South African Olympic victories, so I have more to root for.
- London as a host helps because a) the UK isn’t a human rights violation factory like some other recent Olympic hosts AHEM AHEM b) the UK is incredibly easy/delightful to make fun of. DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE JOKES FOR EVERYBODY!
- I am also only one time zone off from the host city, so the “good” events will be on at reasonable times.
- This is probably my best chance to achieve my 30×30 goal of getting a bar in a foreign country to chant “USA! USA!”
- I am lonely and bored.
People, I just don’t know. This could go either way. Are the male swimmers still wearing wetsuits? That’ll probably be the deciding factor.
[In case my view on that subject is not obvious to you: WETSUITS ARE BULLSHIT. SHOW US THE GOODS, OLYMPIC SWIMMERS.]