A Brief Pseudo-Reprieve From My Hate-On For The Nest


This week’s Nest Newsletter, 10 Annoying Work Habits That Will Get You Fired, didn’t inspire nearly as much rage in me as is normal.  I’m giving it a lot of slack because it focuses on work life, which is something bizarrely absent from a lot of reading material for newlyweds, as though we’re all living in Mad Men and now that we’re married we can’t possibly have jobs other than cooking and looking good.

Don’t get me wrong, though, it’s still an abomination of the printed word.  It still focuses entirely on how women are, invariably, screwing up their lives.  It has specifically woman-sabotaging advice like don’t “toot your own horn in front of everyone,” like they’re actively TRYING to perpetuate the promotion gap, ugh.

But I am tired of being all-hate all the time. That makes me just as bad as the enemy! So here’s  some constructive advice for The Nest and Marty Stew and whomever else wants to push their “lifestyle” websites upon me:

Ten articles a newlywed actually wants to read:

  1. Hand exercises to alleviate Thank You Note cramps.
  2. Who should move for whose career: The Armageddon of Newlywed Fights
  3. What exactly do you use a stand mixer for, anyway?
  4. Beyond flowers: easy ways to say “I’m sorry I was such a jerk last night”
  5. Damn the man, lower the co-pay: navigating through a health insurance switch.
  6. Cute ways to style short hair (because every newly married woman cuts her hair off, right?)
  7. No soap? Seriously?: How to clean a cast iron skillet
  8. Fun ways to answer the question, “How’s married life?” that will ensure it is never asked of you again.
  9. Can you still celebrate your dating anniversary? How many anniversaries are you allowed before you are That Couple?
  10. How to watch your wedding video without cringing so hard your face Gets Stuck That Way. [this article would really just be a collection of cocktail recipes]

Happy writing.


  1. How about an article about how to get over the debilitating sadness that you apparently did your wedding all WRONG (by among other things having At Last be your first dance) and that now you’re screwing up the rest of your life as well?

    I would suggest that that article include lots of drinking games to play with future The Nest installments. The Nest would probably actually suggest that my life would be better if I just spent thousands of dollars at their corporate sponsor’s stores.

  2. Challenge. Accepted.

  3. You are hilarious. And actually 2, 3, 7 and 9 would be quite useful.

  4. I’ve messed with a few people when they’ve asked me #8 and told them that getting married was the worst mistake of my life and we completely regret ever doing it and wish we could take it all back and be single again. I’m such a bitch :)

    • I say, “it’s really hard.” Then I rant about unemployment and how hard it is to be dependent on my husband and how much we fight. People run.

      • Honest answers to small talk are MY FAVORITE. “How’s it going?” “I’m hovering between absolutely miserable and too drained to care anymore.” “Oh, ok.”

  5. YES on #8. I’m so effing sick of that question. I generally say “Pretty much the same as before, which is why I married him!”

    And #3 should be written up in article as: Ways to Turn your Stand Mixer into a Sex Toy.

  6. yes and YES. I would read all of these.

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