If I had a nickel for every time I’ve said, “I haven’t seen The Hangover” over the last two years, well… maybe it would pay for a drink or something. But still, that’s a lot of nickels.
But I won’t be earning any more nickels. In the wake of my own bachelorette party, I broke down and watched The Hangover.
“Oh, bring it!” My imaginary biggest fan is thinking. “This is going to be one epic feminist take-down of The Hangover and the entirety of DoucheBro Culture. BRING THE PAIN, HITCH! Tear those Y-Chromes a new vagina, homegirl!” Well, Imaginary Biggest Fan, I’m really, really sorry, but I’m going to disappoint you. I mean, The Hangover is sexist. It fails the Bechdel Test so badly it pretty much cancels out The Hours. And it trivializes rape at every possible opportunity, which is probably the easiest way to send my sense of humor packing. But this is not exactly breaking news. I’m two years late and five hundred words short on that blog post.
So instead, I’ll share a few scattered observations. Imaginary Biggest Fan, forgive me.
1. I know that shirt!
Collin owns the t-shirt that Zach Galifinakis (I refuse to type “Zach Galifinakis’ character,” because that is basically longhand for Zach Galifinakis) wears. Which I think reflects badly on Collin’s wardrobe, because I’m pretty sure that shirt was selected for comedy purposes. I mean, why is a tree growing out of that dude’s face? Honestly, this is far from the most embarassing thing about Collin’s wardrobe (the top of this list is probably the fossilized armpits on his favorite t-shirts). Regardless, I am delighted by it, and if Collin doesn’t wear that t-shirt when we are in Vegas at the end of our honeymoon, I will divorce him. If no one in Vegas comments on it, I will divorce Vegas. You heard me.
2. I am afraid of tigers.
When I was a kid, I had a recurring nightmare about being chased by tigers. I had heard or read somewhere that tigers were the only animal that would attack and eat human beings unprovoked. That really unsettled me, probably because as a middle-class white kid in America I had the expectation of being at the top of the food chain ingrained since birth and I hated having that threatened. So tigers became my subconscious’ go-to for “I’m stressed out, man.”
So I had to watch the whole tiger part of this movie through the finger screen, and I swear I felt faint when Bradley Cooper’s neck got swiped by the tiger’s paw. If my life were an Indiana Jones movie, I’d end up in a room full of tigers. I never thought I’d say this, but I’m really glad my life is not an Indiana Jones movie.
3. Heather Graham is 41 years old.
Even she seems skeptical of this.
4. The end credits are the best part of the movie.
Can anyone think of any other flicks that fit that bill? Some might argue The Other Guys, but I thought that was heavy-handed and weird. [ETA: Also Super 8!]
5. The Hangover sequel that should have been:
The Hangover Part II is in theaters now. I will probably not see it for a few years, in hopes I can generate a new “haven’t seen it” nickel revenue stream. When Collin and I saw the trailer, I said, “Because the only thing that was missing from The Hangover was racism!” [Which turns out to have been false, which shouldn't surprise me.] My understanding is they basically made the movie over again with some of the details changed and everything kicked up a notch, just like every other terrible sequel since World War II.
But you know what they should have done for the sequel? Shown us what the bride was doing. And no, “sunning and making worried phone calls” would not have been the plot of the movie, even though that is the Bride’s role in the original film. She would have had a wacky adventure, too, but she would have pulled herself together enough to go get married in the morning like a non-idiot. No, not because she is a woman and women are inherently more reasonable and adult than their man-child counterparts. Because of continuity. [Oh, and in case you are wondering, the sequel would feature a cameo from Kerri Strug. Wouldn't that make you laugh? Added bonus: Kerri Strug has never raped anyone!] Yes, I know, I’m a genius. Hollywood, I await your call.