A Stream-of-Consciousness Recap of My Day in Invitation Land


[...I'm very tired and I've had a generous glass of wine. So when I say "stream of consciousness" I mean "stream of nonsense."]

Today was invitation printing day.  “Wait,” stalkers of my personal calendar of to-dos shout, “Wasn’t that last week?” “WAIT!” stalkers of my brainwaves that tell myself to do things before I break down and schedule them on my personal calendar of to-dos add, “wasn’t that LAST last week?”

YES. OK. ALL RIGHT. I have put this off a little bit.

Why? Probably because I knew I was going to have the micro-stroke I had this afternoon before heading over to Staples to print our invitations.

I reviewed the proofreading my wedding planner had sent back to me. I sent the corrected version to a trusted friend. Then I looked over it again myself, because like Mulder, I trust no one. I misspelled Chicken Piccata. I had the old exit number listed for the directions from the Turnpike. I figured if I found those two, there must be dozens of other errors lurking. I stared at my proofs until the surface of my eyes crystallized. Ok. Time to take measurements so I know the dimensions the cardstock backings need to be cut.

Where is my ruler? I know I have a ruler. Where is my box of stuff I put in the old desk that came with my last apartment? Collin just bought me a desk, so I really should move that box into these fancy new varnish-smelling drawers. NO, THERE’S NO TIME, WOMAN!

Ok, fine. I’ll combine the powers of the two pink drafting triangles that are in our filing cabinet for some godly reason to sort out how big these inserts are. Should my borders be 1/8″ or 1/4″? Why don’t we use the metric system? WHAT AM I SAYING? We killed Osama bin Laden! So use our nonsense measures and learn to love eight as a denominator, OK, rest of the world?

Ok I have my measurements. I have my proofread documents. What file formats does Staples accept? Only .jpg and .pdf?  WHAT? Where’s my .eps option? Or at least .tiff, AMIRITE, dorks?

Collin, I need your help. I have to save these files as a .pdf. Let me use your evil Mac! (Any port in a storm!)  What? I can do that with Word? Microsoft Word? Just come home and help me. HELP ME HELP ME HELP ME.

Take two vistaril. Breathe deeply. Let Collin take the helm for a minute. Ok, we’ve got our .pdfs.

WHERE DID MY 1/8″ OF BUFFER GO? I need that or my custom cutting will be a disaster!!! EXCLAMATION! I have to re-scale my main invitation? Oy. Vey.

Is that a freaking hyphen in that phone number? I WILL CUT YOU. I mean, yes, I literally will cut you, specialty document, but I am really saying I will figuratively cut you for containing, at my own fault, my #1 typographical enemy from my law review days.  I will not shame Volume 71 this way. You’re getting en dashed!

Ok. Phew. Taken care of. What’s this, I didn’t put the website on the info insert? Oh, well, that’s an easy fix. Except that additional line of text brings me over-size.  Maybe I should put the URL in the directions as a first-letter cipher?  Or just adjust the between-line spacing until I’m back in my box. If I must be so dry.

Ok. Ok. Crises solved. Let’s go to Staples!

What what what! They’ve raised the price of custom cutting to $2 a cut? Well clearly I should just buy a hinge paper cutter for $30, right? That will save me like $10 whole bucks! That’s like a large pizza, at least on pick-up special.

Fast forward 5 hours. 1 hour spent doing “soothing” yoga. 4 hours spent cutting. And watching Veronica Mars. And cutting. And cutting.  Homegirl can solve an entire b-plot case while I cut just one small stack of cardstock. And I still have oh so many papers to cut.

Thus far, my invitations are my definitely the most “D-I-WHY?” experience I’ve had in wedding planning.  If only I’d ordered the cheapest of the cheap invitations and washed my hands of it.   But I’ve come this far, and dammit, I’m going to finish these invitations that no one but me and Viki will hold on to.

So do you have any podcasts or dialogue-heavy movies to recommend while I continue my paper-cutting mission over the next few days?


  1. I always recommend the This American Life and Savage Love podcasts.

    I also find re-watching old sitcoms (like Friends and Seinfeld) are soothing when doing large DIY projects.

  2. I rewatch the Cosby Show and 3rd Rock from the Sun while I do stuff.


  3. oh MAN, rough.i’m with ruchi, i LOVE watching seinfeld episodes one after another in the background while I do other stuff…best of luck, lady!

  4. Gilmore Girls is my default dialogue-heavy entertainment choice. I would also suggest listening to the archives of the Extra Hot Great podcast or my other favorite, Pop Culture Happy Hour.

  5. Second on the Gilmore love, or the idea of classic sitcoms (yay TBS… until Family Guy comes on at least). Last time I had a big DIY project, I borrowed a season of Dawson’s Creek for some old-school reminiscing. And right now I’m marathoning Freaks and Geeks while doing schoolwork.

  6. Your invitation will almost certainly find its way into my memory box.

  7. E! was doing some kind of Sex and the City wedding episodes marathon, so I watched that while doing centerpieces. It was actually really strange and interesting to see the SATC take on engagement and marriage, sort of like your movie reviews.

  8. RadioLab, or TED talks.

  9. I watched Dirty Dancing, Sweet Home Alabama, and First Knight a couple of weeks ago when I was going through my printer cutting time. I recommend movies you’ve watched before that are mildly entertaining. That way you know what’s going on even if you are not watching with your eyes, just listening with your ears. And take breaks. They are much needed on your back after you’ve been hunched over cutting the paper.

    You can do it. I know it’s long and tedious, but I got through it, so you can too.

  10. Watch Sahara! If they can find a civil war gunship in the middle of the Sahara during a plague*, you can make invitations.

    *There is no way to type the way that should sound but I’m banking on you knowing what I mean.

  11. planet earth helps me be crafty. good luck!

  12. Liz beat me to the punch saying that I too, will almost definitely keep your wedding invitation. I keep trivia night sheets, woman. So please also send me one that is not crooked, or covered in your tears.

    Your last apartment CAME with a desk? I …think maybe I remember that? How odd.

    If VMars is helping you, I say watch the 8 million episodes of Cold Case there are. Added bonus–if you get sleepy on the job, that wailing intro music will jolt you awake like it’s 3am. ;)

    • Couple of things: a) I like your gravatar b) The desk came with the apartment because it was too heavy to move c) I seriously used to listen to the Cold Case theme while studying to get my head back in the game. So… thanks?

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