March 2011 Brides Magazine, by the Numbers


For those of you wondering why this is almost an entire month late, don’t look at me, look at the CONSPIRATORS!  But better late than never, right?

# pages: 378
# pages of advertising: 283 1/3
# pages in longest uninterrupted run of advertisements: 66 [SERIOUSLY. That's a solid 1/4 inch of magazine.]

# images of brides with visible faces: 194
# pictured brides who are undeniably smiling:42

# pictured brides who are arguably smiling:49

The dedication to SMIZE makes this one count.

Activate Human Emotion Simulation Program File: Joy

# pictured brides with dead or stoned expressions: 59

Zombie Taylor Swift

"My flower-scope lets me see music"









# pictured brides who look sad, angry, scared, or are expressing some other negative emotion: 44

I wish Dad were alive.

UGH, I TOLD the limo driver not to take the 405.


No one will find the body before I say 'I do.' RIGHT?!

That Daytime Emmy is MINE.

“Normal” symptom of bridal brain covered in “No, You’re Not Crazy”: “You want to kill…everyone.”
Amount that surprises me given the emotions roundup above: ZERO.


  1. Welcome back, Brides by the numbers! You’re so pretty with all these photos. Thumbs up.

  2. Love the expressions. Smiling is so 1990s.

  3. Did you find a correlation between high-end/low-end and happiness in photos? Because I’m willing to bet that, as in most thing fashunz, the fancier you get the more miserable the models look.

  4. Love your captions — especially for the stoned brides.

  5. you are hilarious. “no one will find the body before i say ‘I do,’ right?” love it. 66 pages in a row! that’s not bad, Brides!

  6. 66 pages is not 1/4 of 378 its more like 1/6 (actually 11/63)

    • Folks, this is my little brother commenting. For the first time ever on my blog! To correct me. Really, he’s giving me a taste of my own medicine, and I welcome it. Thanks for reading, Satch!

  7. I finally got around to flipping through this one last night on the couch and found some amusing bits in the text. Namely, regarding non-alcoholic cocktails, “Teetotalers rejoice!” and, about bedding you’ve registered for, “If you prefer to wash your bedding yourself…” Um, do people dryclean their sheets? Hire housekeepers for bedding? So bizarre. Also, the fashion editorial with the wedge hair = yick. (Also also, “that daytime emmy is mine”… Classic!)

  8. That’s a lot of adverts!! Some things never change ;)

    What is it with the ‘angry bride’ model?? There is one advert nearly always in mags in the UK for Mark Lesley dresses where the model stands with her hands on her hips glaring at the camera. I know it shows of her teeny-tiny waist but seriously? How is that in any way a realistic pose for a bride?

    • I think because models usually look expressionless or tough for high fashion, and bridal gowns are many women’s only foray into high fashion? But I’m kind of spitballing here.

  9. I like the stoned brides best.

  10. These are amazingly hilarious. I just read all your reviews. More, please!

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