Dress Input from a Dude


Last night I needed a study break, so I asked Collin to look over a “Runway Report” spread in a bridal magazine.1 I wanted a better idea of what styles Collin likes and dislikes so I can avoid picking a dress that he hates.2

You can probably guess how this went, but in case you can’t, an abridged transcript, with visual aids [that should link through to the designer, so general warning for horrible web design if you do click]:

Collin: “What’s going on there?  That dress has titty knapsacks.”

Robin: “Is ‘titty knapsack’ a good thing or a bad thing?”

Collin: “Are you kidding? A bad thing.”

Robin: “I actually really like titty knapsacks.  I pushed hard for a bridesmaid dress with titty knapsacks for my sister’s wedding.”

Collin: “Well then I love it too!”

Robin: “Collin, that is not the point of this.”

Collin: “Sorry.  I don’t know, it just looks really old-fashioned, I guess?”

Robin: “That’s what I like about it.  I think old-fashioned things look glamorous.  Plus our venue is old-fashioned.”

Collin: “Well, you can look old-fashioned without having your boobies in slings, right?”

Collin: “I like this one.  It looks like a nightgown.”

Robin: “Yeah, that nightgown costs over five grand.”

Collin: “Well why don’t you just wear an actual nightgown? That would cost only like thirty bucks.”

Collin: “Is that a dress for pregnant chicks?”

Robin: “No, that’s just an empire waist.  It’s a very popular style!”

Collin: “For pregnant chicks?”

Robin: “For chicks generally.  They’re really flowy and pretty.”

Collin: “They flow over your pregnant stomach, you mean.”

Robin: “You’re crazy.  I have at least one empire waist dress that you think is super cute.”

Collin: “I will think you are super cute when you are pregnant, though, so that doesn’t prove anything.”

Collin: “Get that dress, Patootie!  You can be my little cutie Moon Bride!”

[I'm just going to let that comment stand on it's own.]

Then I saw a dress that I thought was particularly awesome, and as a test asked Collin to try to pick it out from the two-page spread it was on.  He passed.  We agree that it is super cool.  Then we agreed to try to forget it ever existed because it costs more money than God’s dress:

Collin: “That is pretty sweet.”

Robin: “Yeah, it’s awesome, but I can’t afford it.  To make myself feel better I’m focusing on how I’m not crazy about the ruffly bits on the bottom.”

Collin: “Yeah those are kind of weird.  But I saw them on a lot of these dresses.”

Robin: “I know. It’s a whole thing. Blame Vera Wang.”

Collin: “Blame who?”

1In hindsight, I never should have looked at these dresses, because none of them are remotely affordable.  Although I guess it is nice to know the name of the designer that will be ripped off by the dress I ultimately buy.
2I may still pick a dress Collin hates. Knowingly. I’m a free bitch, baby.


  1. Ahh the perils of the dress picture conversation!

    Also boob rucksacks are very cool!

  2. I agree with Collin re: empire waists. They make women look pregnant. Every time.

  3. Mark hates empire waists. I did this with him too, btw. He was like “that short dress is not a wedding dress” and then he was like “why would you wear something tight?” and then he was like “ooooh yes!” to the pretty white princess dress with the pickups. So my dress has pickups (fortunately for me, I love them too.)

    What about this one? AA dresses are pretty affordable – http://www.alfredangelo.com/Collections/ProductDisplay.aspx?productID=51e23090-5d61-49e7-b8df-896fbddb81c7&categoryID=32e5a88c-cbf1-498f-afcf-dbfca138c5d3&pg=1&colorId1=

    Or this one – not quite a boobie rucksack, but also old fashioned and pretty…http://www.watters.com/product.php?coll=wtoobrides&showid=910#

  4. this post was the perfect monday morning giggle. I didn’t do this with Andy but I’m sure if I did it would go quite similarly


  5. I’m very concerned with Mr. Beagle liking my dress and I’ve showed him some to see his reactions. Coincidentally, some were on Ellie’s blog. I know he might not end up liking every detail about the dress I wear, but he’ll like it overall, because I’ll be in it. I imagine that’ll be the way Collin is too.

  6. I love it!
    My mister and I had a similar experience of me testing his style and he was just like “WTF!? These dresses are crazy. And those models should eat something!”

    aka it didn’t give me anything solid!

  7. I did this with Tony, too, but he made fun of all of them, so I decided he just doesn’t know what he’s talking about and picked something I like. Which happens to be a non-white empire waisted titty knapsack test. So I fail Collin’s test miserably.

  8. Ha, this was great. It reminded me of Daddy Likey’s 5 Men’s first impressions, have you seen that series of posts? http://daddylikey.blogspot.com/2010/07/five-mens-fashion-first-impressions.html

  9. lol @ titty knapsacks… I do like that dress but he’s definitely got a point…

    John got no say in my dress. But when he was dropping me off for a dress fitting he looked through the 35 or so dresses that were hanging on the racks at the store and within 45 seconds had narrowed them down to four dresses that he thought I would pick. My dress was among them, not to mention my other two top picks. Dresses that had taken me HOURS to narrow down to. Damn I’m predictable.

  10. ha ha ha amazing! I especially like the nightgown suggestion. 30 bucks is a really good deal for a wedding dress


    What I mean to say is: I will never look at titty knapsacks or empire waists the same ever again.

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