Flipping through Netflix’s Watch Instantly offerings on the Wii, Collin happened across So I Married an Axe Murderer and put it on immediately, as you do, and excitedly suggested I write about this movie on my blog.
“Collin, that’s not really a wedding movie.”
“What are you talking about, Patoot? ‘Married’ is right there in the title!”
“But the wedding part is like seventeen seconds of the movie.”
“”I think you’re remembering this wrong.”
This, friends, is where I should have put a KFC bet on the table. What’s a KFC bet? It’s a tool Collin and I use to keep our relationship running smoothly. Whenever we have a disagreement over an easily discoverable fact, instead of bickering about it, someone lays down a KFC bet, we discover the answer, and then the incorrect party is obligated to buy the correct party KFC.1 Fortunately for our arteries, we rarely actually go through with this, but we do try to keep a running tally. I think I’m ahead, but it would have been great if there were KFC on the line because this scene would have been even funnier:
Anyway, while seventeen seconds is a slight exaggeration (the ceremony and reception get a total of four minutes and fifty seconds of screentime), I was right that So I Married an Axe Murderer is light on wedding content. But that doesn’t mean I can’t eke a blog post out of it! I’m better than that!
First, let’s talk wedding style. Harriet, the potential Axe Murderer spouse in question, has a totally awesome wedding dress. Without seeming too slutty for church, it still skims her body in a way that makes me wonder what kind of underthings could possibly be worn with it (now that I think about it, that might be the very definition of too slutty for church). I love the puddle train. I love her gold shoes.
Instead of a veil she has a lovely wedding hood. Wise Internet, is that a thing? I mean, does it belong to a particular time or culture? I can’t think of another time I’ve seen a hooded wedding dress, but I’m sheltered. Wait! Bing tells me that as of April 30, 2009, Ariel of Offbeat Bride had never before seen a hooded wedding dress. I think this is incontrovertible proof2 that a hooded wedding dress is quite a rare bird indeed. [Yes, someone mentions So I Married an Axe Murderer in the comments.]
Next, let’s touch on Mike Myers’ Scotland fetish. I am curious what Scottish weddings are actually like. I actually have a bit of Scottish heritage, my high school mascot was the Highlander, and my little brother has a Scottish father figure whom I’ve known for fifteen years, but I have no clue what authentic Scottish weddings are like. In Hollywood, Scottish means just enough tartan to make the audience giggle. Ten seconds of Internet research has revealed that sometimes brides wear plaid wedding gowns (I saw a few of those in store windows on the Royal Mile when I was in Edinburgh a few months ago), and that Scottish people do in fact call boutonnieres “button holes.” I think it is so cute how French is not allowed in the Queen’s English. Dudes know how to hold a grudge.
Anyway, post-Fat Bastard and Shrek franchise, this early evidence of Mike Myers’ conviction that Scottish = comedy gold can be a little cringe-inducing. But watching this movie I tried to turn back time (which is not difficult: this is the most 1990s film on the planet, and no, I did not forget about Reality Bites. This movie opens with a cappuccino cam, people. Suede is on the soundtrack. Harriet UNIRONICALLY wears a beret.) and appreciate the Scottish stuff as fresh comedy. And I was terribly impressed by the bagpipe solo on “Do Ya Think I’m Sexy” at the reception.
Which leads me to my final point about the wedding in this non-wedding movie: the backyard reception.
Collin says that if he were totally in charge of the wedding, it would be in his parents’ backyard. I think Collin has maybe been brainwashed by movies like this one depicting backyard weddings as a a simple affair that don’t require things like renting tables and chairs. I think anything that requires you to rent things to sit on is not simple. But I’m also biased against the backyard wedding because I’m afraid of Mother Nature.
But this also brings up something that’s been bothering me since ABC’s TGIF lineup was appointment television for my grade school self: do those slanty row houses in San Francisco really have backyards? How does that work? Sarah, I turn to you.
So there you have it: about five minutes of wedding in a movie and I can write an 800-word blog post about it. And originally I was going to write a whole other section about the challenge of “truly knowing” your intended spouse, and how there are so many things I don’t know about Collin, but I nevertheless feel fairly confident he is not a serial murderer. But I am being picked up for lunch in twenty minutes and I haven’t showered yet, so that one sentence is going to have to take care of that concept. Here’s a consolation prize:
1And yes, when KFC introduced the Double Down, it felt like it was just for us.
2This is where Collin the scientist gets grumpy that I’m tossing around the word “proof” lightly, and tells me I’m falling victim to confirmation bias or some such.