Hire the Specialists


I have at least two, possibly three copies of “Pittsburgh’s Best Wedding Professionals POCKET GUIDE.”

I am not sure why anyone bothered to put non-ad content into it.  It only exists for reasons of advertisement.  But somewhere along the line someone “wrote” “content” for this pocket-sized “book.”

And then ran it through multiple translations on Babelfish before converting it back to English.  Why would they do that, you ask?  I’m not sure, but I can tell that something had to happen more sinister than mere typos and grammatical shenanigans to result in copy that reads like this.

First there is a list of Dos and Don’ts.  Dos include “DO: Consider vendors that you see and talk to at bridal shows and/or see their ads in bridal publications” (thanks for the brilliant advice, bridal publication!) and “DO: Hire the specialists.”  (I just got chills.  Who are the specialists? What do they specialize in? What will happen if I hire the generalists?).

Then there is a list of the “Newest and Hottest Trends.”  Sure sure, they list trends that neither new nor hot, like candy buffets and photo booths.  But I don’t really care about those.  What fascinates me are the “trends” that, well, have been translated into Portuguese and then into Tagalog and then to German and back to English:

  • “Signature monograms lightning.”
  • “Signature crashes.” (It is totally possible “crashes” are a totally normal wedding thing I’ve never heard of.)
  • “Brides changes dresses.”
  • “In door or outside fireworks.”
  • “Human tables.” (WHAT? Maybe at Nazi weddings.)

Also, sorry, but on the list of “the next big thing,” I found out that the next big thing is that “Cupcakes are retired.” And I have a bad feeling that Cupcakes will be shot by some punk two days before retirement.


  1. ahahhahahahahahahahahahhahaha

  2. Those sound like things John would write for funny ha-has.

    Remember your training.
    Hire the specialists.
    Remember to love!


    In door or outside fireworks? Sounds wild!

    Human tables? What is this a bad Borat skit?


    In door or outside fireworks? Sounds wild!

    Human tables? What is this a bad Bruno sketch?

  5. this is cracking my shit up!

  6. WHOA. Why are the comments to this entry equally robot-like weird and terrifying??

  7. dang! We are totally having cupcakes and no human tables! Our wedding is going to FAIL! NOOO!!!!!!!!

  8. i am picturing in my head both the process of asking someone to be your human table and then calling someone by the title ‘human table’ when you need them.

    people are nutty

  9. oh my goodness that is real?! I was laughing out loud at the ridiculousness.

  10. I am still crying over the human tables. All of them, actually (I’d love to see a venue sign off on those in door fireworks! Or maybe that’s just what happens when your bridesmaid hooks up with your groom under the dessert table). But. Human? Tables? Why the specificity? Maybe this is a themed wedding for animal lovers, and they have to stipulate where each species must sit? Good god, this pocket guide is the best thing to happen to brides, EVER.

  11. I think I actually really want signature monograms lightening. And signature crashes. Or fireworks in the door. All these things MUST be undeniably rad. I mean, c’mon, personalized LIGHTNING?! DOOR Fireworks?! Crashing at the wedding (especially if they mean Owen Wilson, who I am inexplicably drawn to and who will give my wedding true celebrity cache)

    Maybe for our one year anniversary. Though who knows, they may be retired by then, hanging out in Florida with all the cupcakes and other over-the-hill wedding trends.

  12. Rather than beat the human table, I’m curious about the Signature Crashes. What exactly might that be?

    I feel like I’m reading a bridal guide translated into foreign hotel English.

    • The mystery of signature crashes will haunt my dreams.

      Current front-running theories:
      1. As Becca suggested, having surprise guests drop in on your reception as “wedding crashers.”
      2. Some kind of signature way to use cymbals. Like a rimshot for a comedy routine, but weddingified.
      3. Decor build from salvage yard cars wrecks. A tasteful reminder to not drink and drive!

      • I think I like your #3 the best. Although it gives me the idea of an Improv-Anywhere sort of thing where planted servers keep dropping platters of loud funny things all about the place…

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