Hire the Specialists

I have at least two, possibly three copies of “Pittsburgh’s Best Wedding Professionals POCKET GUIDE.”

I am not sure why anyone bothered to put non-ad content into it.  It only exists for reasons of advertisement.  But somewhere along the line someone “wrote” “content” for this pocket-sized “book.”

And then ran it through multiple translations on Babelfish before converting it back to English.  Why would they do that, you ask?  I’m not sure, but I can tell that something had to happen more sinister than mere typos and grammatical shenanigans to result in copy that reads like this.

First there is a list of Dos and Don’ts.  Dos include “DO: Consider vendors that you see and talk to at bridal shows and/or see their ads in bridal publications” (thanks for the brilliant advice, bridal publication!) and “DO: Hire the specialists.”  (I just got chills.  Who are the specialists? What do they specialize in? What will happen if I hire the generalists?).

Then there is a list of the “Newest and Hottest Trends.”  Sure sure, they list trends that neither new nor hot, like candy buffets and photo booths.  But I don’t really care about those.  What fascinates me are the “trends” that, well, have been translated into Portuguese and then into Tagalog and then to German and back to English:

• “Signature monograms lightning.”
• “Signature crashes.” (It is totally possible “crashes” are a totally normal wedding thing I’ve never heard of.)
• “Brides changes dresses.”
• “In door or outside fireworks.”
• “Human tables.” (WHAT? Maybe at Nazi weddings.)

Also, sorry, but on the list of “the next big thing,” I found out that the next big thing is that “Cupcakes are retired.” And I have a bad feeling that Cupcakes will be shot by some punk two days before retirement.