Remember when I did a book review of a book I hadn’t really read? This is a review of a movie I haven’t really watched.
When I see a wedding movie on Netflix Watch Instantly, before I know it I’ve already hit play. I have no control. And so I end up watching direct-to-DVD dreck like Unhitched, or at least “watching” it in the sense that it is on in the room I am in.
What I was really doing at the time was reading about agency principles, drinking too much wine, and earnestly GChatting with Abby, one of the members of my Bridal Hootenanny and the person who gave my friends the moniker “The Muppets” in the first place.
But here is what seeped in about the movie Unhitched:
1. This is yet another movie about an honor attendant breaking up the couple supposedly getting married! According to wedding movies, you should probably forgo a bridal party or you will not get married.
2. SETH GREEN. ADOPTS A “BRITISH” “ACCENT.” I’m sorry for the all-caps. But this is by far the most notable thing about this movie. Listen for yourself, if you dare:
Look. I loved Oz on Buffy. The zombie Kurt Cobain joke on Robot Chicken is on the short list of things that I found truly offensive but nevertheless completely hilarious. And my friend Josh just told me that Seth Green recently married some super hot chick with ski-slope breasts that you can see pictures of on the internet if you are so inclined. Seth Green is great. But Seth Green has no business acting in such a way that requires him to use a British accent. Ever. It’s the worst idea in the history of movies. Worse than colorization! Worse than Howard the Duck! Worse than see generally the career of Uwe Boll.
3. Amy Smart is the bride-to-be-stolen. To my intense relief, she sticks with her American accent.
4. The bride thief is played by Stuart Townsend, who is actually Irish, but keeps falling into an American accent. I think maybe that was his really polite way to try to get Seth Green to tone it down, sort of like when your friend has some spinach wedged between her canine and incisor and you start picking your own teeth in hopes she’ll do the same? That or he’s been in Hollywood too long.
5. Another thing that sucked about this movie I barely watched was that the main character is, get this, a WRITER. And hes’ not quite as successful as he always dreamed he’d be. And there’s narration from this main character allowing him to tell the audience all about his talents as a writer and his frustration that his writing isn’t appreciated and hasn’t brought him great fame and I wonder if this movie was maybe a smidge autobiographical? Ugh. Sorry, the unappreciated-writer-makes-good narrative is one of my least favorite storytelling tropes, even though I did stay home sick from school one day to finish Little Women. But I was ten then! I have since learned to see through that crap.
6. In case you were worried, Seth Green isn’t the jilted groom, he’s the Judy Greer character. I honestly couldn’t pick out the guy who played the groom in a lineup. Good thing he didn’t steal my purse!
7. IMDb calls this movie “The Best Man,” which was I guess is its title in its native Britain, but here in the states that is already a movie starring Taye Diggs. But “Unhitched” was also a short-lived Fox sitcom! Another alternative title listed on IMDb is “Best Man, Worst Friend” which I think is the most clever of the competing titles. I will, however, admit that the word “hitch” generally attracts my attention because it is the first syllable of my last name, and that may be part of the reason (in addition to loss of skeletal muscle control) that I (sorta) watched this movie.
On the other hand, I have never seen the Will Smith movie “Hitch.” Irony? Or Morissettenry?
8. Blah blah blah stuff that is relevant to weddings. Seriously, I paid zero attention to this part of the movie. I promise next week I’ll do a legitimate review of a wedding movie that I will actually watch.