It’s a new year, which means I can change all the things I don’t like about myself through the willpower that comes with a new Calendar, right? Except I don’t have a new calendar, because who uses paper calendars these days? People who get Christmas presents from people who don’t know them very well, that’s who. And I was spared from that this year. Good thing I didn’t get married toward the end of the year or I’d be flush with copies of Famous Women of New Jersey 2012 and Makeup on Pizza: An 18-Month Journey.
And everyone knows that resolutions don’t work, anyway, they just make the gyms really crowded in January, which is a pain in the butt because I’ve been jonesing for some Bikram and I know if I go now I’ll have no space for my mat and I’ll end up with stranger sweat on me by Arda-Chandrasana and yes I just used the Sanskrit because one of my NYRs is to be as pretentious as humanly possible [see below].
But despite all of that, I’m making some resolutions this year:
1. Sort my fucking life out.
2. Stop losing things like my keys so often.
3. Stop losing my mind every time I lose something like my keys.
4. Be as pretentious as humanly possible, so as to seem less obnoxious when I return from Africa all, “MY EYES HAVE BEEN OPENED” in a few years. That’s a long con resolution that won’t pay off until 2014. I roll deep like that.
5. Never, ever say “Two-thousand twelve.” You’ll only get “Twenty Twelve” or “The One Two” from me.
5.5. Make “The One Two” a thing.
6. Do not waste any more than ten seconds worrying about the world ending in December.
7. Be less messy [read: less divorce-able].
8. Either stop drinking so much or stop telling myself to stop drinking so much, because if I’m going to fail at moderation I might as well not further burden my liver with all that guilt. Don’t tell me that doesn’t make sense.
9. Blog more regularly.
10. And stop putting up bullshit jokey posts like this when I set out to write about how I’m depressed and terrified about what the new year has in store for me.
Happy new year, everybody. Got any resolutions you care to share?