Resolutions to Save 2012 From Itself


It’s a new year, which means I can change all the things I don’t like about myself through the willpower that comes with a new Calendar, right? Except I don’t have a new calendar, because who uses paper calendars these days? People who get Christmas presents from people who don’t know them very well, that’s who.  And I was spared from that this year.  Good thing I didn’t get married toward the end of the year or I’d be flush with copies of Famous Women of New Jersey 2012 and Makeup on Pizza: An 18-Month Journey.

And everyone knows that resolutions don’t work, anyway, they just make the gyms really crowded in January, which is a pain in the butt because I’ve been jonesing for some Bikram and I know if I go now I’ll have no space for my mat and I’ll end up with stranger sweat on me by Arda-Chandrasana and yes I just used the Sanskrit because one of my NYRs is to be as pretentious as humanly possible [see below].

But despite all of that, I’m making some resolutions this year:

1.  Sort my fucking life out.

2.  Stop losing things like my keys so often.

3. Stop losing my mind every time I lose something like my keys.

4. Be as pretentious as humanly possible, so as to seem less obnoxious when I return from Africa all, “MY EYES HAVE BEEN OPENED” in a few years. That’s a long con resolution that won’t pay off until 2014.  I roll deep like that.

5. Never, ever say “Two-thousand twelve.” You’ll only get “Twenty Twelve” or “The One Two” from me.

5.5. Make “The One Two” a thing.

6. Do not waste any more than ten seconds worrying about the world ending in December.

7. Be less messy [read: less divorce-able].

8.  Either stop drinking so much or stop telling myself to stop drinking so much, because if I’m going to fail at moderation I might as well not further burden my liver with all that guilt.  Don’t tell me that doesn’t make sense.

9. Blog more regularly.

10. And stop putting up bullshit jokey posts like this when I set out to write about how I’m depressed and terrified about what the new year has in store for me.

Happy new year, everybody. Got any resolutions you care to share?


  1. Those are some great resolutions! ;)

  2. No depression and horror for you, miss. I am determined to make 2012 awesome. I don’t do the resolution thing either, but that is my COMMITMENT.


  3. I like the delayed payoff resolutions, especially such permissive ones as being as pretentious as possible for TWO YEARS. Sounds like license for hilarity. Cheers!

  4. Oh YAY!!!!!!! I missed your blog hitchdied lady!!!!!!!! This is going to be a terrifyingly awesome growth year if you choose….you can’t loose in this one…..too many opportunities for you….grab them up, be creative with them and just enjoy!!!!!!!

  5. I resolve to bring you a jazzy bottle of whisky in South Africa, which I will drink in moderation OR excess with you.

  6. I have already requested to have December 21 off work, just in case

  7. Resolution 6 is my favorite. And perhaps is also my only resolution… thanks for making me feel less crazy about it!

  8. I resolve to help you make “the one two” a thing!! Happy 2012 Robin! And to Collin too!!

  9. You are so funny ! Happy new year, I wish you all the joy, love , happiness and dreams come true (as cliche as that sounds).
    2 and 3 are the best. Happens to me a l l t h e t i m e .

  10. Love your resolutions.

    Mine are:

    1. Have more fun! (meaning do not disappear so hard into dissertation and movies nowhereland)

    2. Be more active. (My job makes me sit, so my life needs movement! Also I am vain and want pretty muscle lines like I used to have.)

    3. Meditate regularly. (I started in November and really love it.)

    So far so good.

  11. Oh my gosh. What is it about life being so weirdly impossible to sort out?

    I’ve missed reading your blog so much. I got married at the end of July, and your hilarity had been helping keep me sane for a while. After my wedding, I sort of fell away from reading the blogs I had come to love, and am just now realizing how much lonelier that has left me feeling (even though I only commented on yours like twice). So I’m catching up on my reading, and I guess that means I have a resolution to participate socially in the blog world a little more.

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