Sometimes my husband annoys the crap out of me when he’s only trying to show me his love.
I learned early on in my relationship with Collin that he shows affection for humans the same way he shows affection for pets. This involves a lot of speaking in a high-pitched voice and saying nonsense things like, “why you such a why you?”
And now I’m realizing the inverse is true as well: Collin not only treats me like I’m his adorable puppy, he also acts like a puppy HIMSELF, desperate to show me how much he loves me all the time and simultaneously get as much attention as possible. Collin foolishly married someone so disinterested in pets that this sends not even a flicker of joy through my icy veins:
But even normal dog-loving people can admit that puppies can sometimes be annoying when they won’t stop bringing that freaking dog-spit-soaked tennis ball over to you and whimpering until you throw it for them, right?
I am not at all kidding when I say that several times in the last half-hour (when I was writing another, much more interesting blog post) Collin has started shouting one of his various nicknames for me until I finally relent and scream, “WHAT!?” And then he says, “Nothing, I just wanted you to look at me.”
Sometimes I’ll try to respond like a regular person: “Ok, sweetheart, I’m really trying to finish up this blog post.” Collin will respond back with whatever I just said but with translated into his own nonsense language: ”I’m really trying to KISSES this KISSES.” [The essence of the nonsense language is substituting the word "KISSES" (or similarly barf-inducing vaguely affectionate conglomerations of syllables) for as much of the sentence as possible, in the way a Smurf would with "Smurf"]
Still, I try to converse with him: “It’s kind of a sensitive subject so it’s a little tricky.” “It’s kind of a sensitive KISSES so it’s a little KISSES.” Sometimes after hearing what he’s said he is delighted by that particular translation he has to repeat it to himself: “Mmmm! Little kisses!”
When he gets excited enough, he turns to his cats and I get a brief reprieve. “I bet kitties give little kisses because they have little mouths!” But I can mostly tune out that crap, and maybe write a blog post making fun of him before he snaps out of his kitty-love fugue state. Like I just did.