I Married a Puppy and I’m Not a Dog Person


Sometimes my husband annoys the crap out of me when he’s only trying to show me his love.

I learned early on in my relationship with Collin that he shows affection for humans the same way he shows affection for pets.  This involves a lot of speaking in a high-pitched voice and saying nonsense things like, “why you such a why you?”

And now I’m realizing the inverse is true as well: Collin not only treats me like I’m his adorable puppy, he also acts like a puppy HIMSELF, desperate to show me how much he loves me all the time and simultaneously get as much attention as possible.  Collin foolishly married someone so disinterested in pets that this sends not even a flicker of joy through my icy veins:

[Puppy War]

But even normal dog-loving people can admit that puppies can sometimes be annoying when they won’t stop bringing that freaking dog-spit-soaked tennis ball over to you and whimpering until you throw it for them, right?

I am not at all kidding when I say that several times in the last half-hour (when I was writing another, much more interesting blog post) Collin has started shouting one of his various nicknames for me until I finally relent and scream, “WHAT!?” And then he says, “Nothing, I just wanted you to look at me.”

Sometimes I’ll try to respond like a regular person: “Ok, sweetheart, I’m really trying to finish up this blog post.”  Collin will respond back with whatever I just said but with translated into his own nonsense language: ”I’m really trying to KISSES this KISSES.” [The essence of the nonsense language is substituting the word "KISSES" (or similarly barf-inducing vaguely affectionate conglomerations of syllables) for as much of the sentence as possible, in the way a Smurf would with "Smurf"]

Still, I try to converse with him:  “It’s kind of a sensitive subject so it’s a little tricky.” “It’s kind of a sensitive KISSES so it’s a little KISSES.”  Sometimes after hearing what he’s said he is delighted by that particular translation he has to repeat it to himself: “Mmmm! Little kisses!”

When he gets excited enough, he turns to his cats and I get a brief reprieve.  “I bet kitties give little kisses because they have little mouths!” But I can mostly tune out that crap, and maybe write a blog post making fun of him before he snaps out of his kitty-love fugue state.  Like I just did.





  1. I’m pretty sure our husbands went to the same How To Get People’s Attention school. It’s the worst in the morning, when I want to rush through getting ready while being angry at the world and he is prancing around singing so I’ll pay attention to him. I can’t even.

  2. The man what descendeth from Viki.

  3. Oh my God, Jason engages in many of the same behaviors when he’s trying to get my attention. It’s funny because when we first met, he kind of had a reputation for having a big head in our circle of friends, and I almost immediately picked up that it was the puppy in him – “Hey, look what I can do! Be my friend! Do you like me? What if I show you this trick? Or this one? Look at this! You like me right?” rather than any arrogance.

    He also likes being scratched under the chin…

  4. Tony does this too. Only he doesn’t stop with hollering to me to get my attention. He’ll actually nuzzle me, try to crawl into my lap even though he doesn’t fit, hump my leg for comedic affect… Very much like a puppy.

  5. “Nothing, I just wanted you to look at me.”

    I laughed so hard when I read this! Hysterical. My Collin does a version of the high pitched weird baby talk thing too.

  6. ooooh… this has opened a whole new kind of faux psychology. if Collin is a puppy, I think I have just diagnosed myself as a kitten. I have bursts of needing attention (I have so done the, “Nothing, I just wanted you to look at me.” thing). When I don’t need attention, though, I want to be left the F*ck alone – in kitten speak: do. not. pet. me. i. will. bite. you.

    my guy is an adult dog – goofy and laid back, but he might destroy things accidentally if left unattended & bored.

    I’m going to think of people in terms of cats & dogs for the rest of the day today.

    • we are so like this too- “I just want some attenshuns” has become a catchphrase, used when I seem a bit tetchy about all. the. cuddling. I’m very much “I will lay on your lap when I read and why is that not enough for you?” I’m very much a “kitten”.

      Somehow, I feel that this analysis of people may become a ‘thing on the internet’.

  7. I am such a cat. Tony has commented on it, more than once. There I times when if I don’t think I have Tony’s attention, I want it desperately. Until I have it. Then I’m happy, and find that I don’t need it as bad as I thought I did. I have an uncanny knack for knowing when he doesn’t want to be interrupted, and interrupt him ceaselessly. If I’m not getting enough attention, I’ll physically put myself in his was until I get it. I expect lots of petting. Oh, and I’ll nap anywhere.

  8. Oh my god, we married the same person.

    I can’t get through a book in peace if Husband Dearest is in the room. Every two seconds he’s up in my face wanting a kiss or whatever while I try desperately to act like a human who enjoys this (or at least has patience) and not transform into She-Ra.

    Then if I actually tell him to get out of my face while I am doing something he gets all Sad Puppy and slinks off to the basement, making me feel like a monster.

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