Remember when I was Little Miss Breezy about the ever-dwindling number of weeks until my wedding? That was fun while it lasted.
Collin and I had a date night last night to commemorate the one-month-to-wedding mark. He sent me red, white, and blue flowers; I wore a dress covered in kitties. It should have been a joyful, giddy occasion, full of giggles and jokes about living in non-sin. But before we even reached the restaurant it took on a tone of stress.
“You haven’t sent out thank you cards for the shower yet? You better get on that!” Collin joked. I glowered. “I’m joking! I’ll help!”
“But then people will think I’m a bad bride.”
“What does THAT mean?”
“I don’t even know, but it worries me.”
We sat down at dinner. Collin suggested we make a list of everything we still have to do, so that when we cross things off we feel better. How practical of him. How sane. My reaction?
“I can’t look at that list, I’ll have a stroke.”
“I’m under the impression that almost everything that needs to be done is already done.”
“OK, name a few things we still have to do.”
“The programs. The GD DJ lists. The thank you cards.”
Collin looked relieved. “That’s only a few things. We can do the thank you cards tonight!”
I looked skeptical. “There’s still A LOT to write. And those are only the things that we have to do ASAP.”
Collin maintained his chill demeanor. “Well we’ll just go home and do them.” Like it is the easiest thing in the world.
It’s moments like that I hate my anxiety for crippling me the way it does. When I am overwhelmed with stress, every task feels insurmountably difficult. I end up getting much less done than I could without the stress holding me back. I lose so much time to ill-fated efforts to relax and to self-doubting pauses. And then time passes without me improving my situation much, and I end up much more realistically in the shitter. And the anticipation of that common problem ratchets up my present anxiety. Cycle, meet vicious.
But with one month to go, I can’t change who I am. I need to make allowances for my anxiety no matter how much I wish I could just will it away. I need to do more yoga and schedule time to not think about the wedding and follow my gut to give myself what I need. And I need to refill my Vistaril RX. Yay, modern life.