HitchDied

I Know It’s Hard to Keep an Open Heart

| 22 Comments

After reading Becca’s excellent post on wedding envy and how to overcome it, and all the thoughtful and intelligent comments exploring individual struggles with wedding envy, I would like to add my totally shallow and lame thoughts on top of the pile.

All of my wedding envy can be summed up in one nine-minute music video:

We’re having a secular Jewish wedding, but when I see Stephanie Seymour walk down the aisle in her $8,000 dress that is missing half a skirt, I want it ALL:  I want the stupid dress with no front on the skirt.  I want the big veil in my face.  I want a giant golden crucifix!1

I want Collin to comb his hair, and I want this to be notable. I want him to wear a ruffly shirt.

We’re having the ceremony in the same place as the reception. But I want everyone to throw rice at us and clap as we leave the church. I want to step into a classic convertible, my stupid frontless skirt posing no obstacle.

I want to change into a slinky black off-the-shoulder number for the reception. I want Collin to change into a shiny blue jacket.

And we’re probably not having a wedding cake, but I want to lick the icing off the cake cutter in a provocative manner.

Most of all, I WANT SLASH IN A PINSTRIPE SUIT STANDING NEXT TO US WHEN WE CUT THE CAKE.

I didn’t want to get married outside because I was afraid of Mother Nature, but watching this video I wish I’d thought about the potential for a riotous fleet from the reception. Wine bottles knocked over! Bouquets discarded to soak in puddles! Some long-haired rocker dude doing a slow-mo crash through our tiered wedding cake! Why didn’t I think about these things? Oh, regret.

I hope this doesn’t come across as mocking, because I am serious as an oil spill. I comfort myself by thinking about how annoying it would be to attempt to recreate a fake wedding from a music video with a seven-figure budget. Even if I succeeded perfectly (and of course I would not), that success would not be appreciated by others. The wedding would be not at all “us,” because Collin is a scientist, not a rock star, and I am a wannabe lawyer, not a supermodel. Which would alienate our friends and family and suck out a lot of the meaning of the thing. Not to mention some of our oldest and youngest guests wouldn’t get the reference, and a lot of people who did get the reference would think our imitation was not particularly funny or awesome.

Plus, you know, I’d prefer not to die at the end of my wedding. So this is probably for the best.

1Please don’t tell my rabbi, once the bar is over and I find one! And don’t tell Collin’s Jewish grandmother, Dottie. And don’t tell my Catholic Grammy, either! Please!

22 Comments

  1. I was just about to say, Stephanie Seymour dies at the end and in real life Axl and Steph divorced soon after the video was made. Eeesh.

    But in all seriousness, if you ever kind of consider doing it up November Rain style, please, please make your exit song Welcome to the Jungle!!!!

  2. I recently sang Welcome to the Jungle while playing Truth or Dareoke. My throat hurt the next day.

  3. Oh my goodness, I just read that post you linked to on wedding envy, and when I read the final bullet (“We have each other.”) I totally got tears in my eyes! What a beautiful way to bring oneself back down to earth.

  4. I was starting to wonder if you could get any cooler, and it turns out: You can.

    Me, I kinda want to get married in that little white clapboard church in the middle of nowhere. Slash needs to be standing out front, greeting guests with a killer guitar solo, natch.

  5. one of the ceremony venues we were checking out was exactly like the little white church in that video. fiance even showed me the video because it reminded him of it. though it was in the middle of a tree filled nowhere versus desert-like nowhere. and no slash to be found. and the inside was not like a giant cathedral.

  6. yes! slash at your wedding?!?!? I freakin love it. My cousin kinda looks like Slash, I should ask him if he’d like to put in an appearance. Also, I hope you don’t cut your finger when the ring is put on. Oh wait, was that Billy Idol’s White Wedding?!

  7. Slightly unrelated: Jason has a guilty pleasure love of music biographies/autobiographies. His most recent was Slash’s autobiography, which we think he actually DID write himself, because the entire printed book was filled with glaring typos and clearly drug-addled sequences. So, if you wanted to have a full-on music video wedding, Slash would totally be the man to have there.

    And I think we all, secretly, want a little bit of music-video style crazy at the reception dancing. Right? I mean, I often think I am a rockstar dancer after a few drinks anyhow…

  8. I reckon I would aim for November Rain but end up with Bryan Adams everything I do!

    Hmmm….

  9. Serious as an oil-spill had me CRACKING up…but in an “aww…” kind of way. I loved Becca’s post as well! Your wedding is going to be enviable, no worries!

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  11. omg. so sad I wasn’t reading your blog when you posted this. But here I am now! LOVE me some November Rain! We definitely discussed the possibility of getting Axl talon rings and a mullet dress for me… and of course a guitarist for a facemelting solo out on the lawn.

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