My future mother-in-law sent me a care package filled with wedding literature, including the Weddingstar “magazine,” which is actually a catalog for superfluous wedding paraphernalia, like monogrammed cake cutters and ring pillows to match your color theme.
They also have several pages of cake toppers.
I don’t know why I looked through them. Collin and I haven’t even decided if we’re going to have a cake, much less something on top of it. I should have known I was going to see the cake topper that has been annoying every feminist bride for decades:
But it. gets. worse.
Nearly all the cake toppers pair one white lady and one white dude. Some of the models are graciously available in “ethnic” coloring:
Yep, tiny bla—I’m sorry, “ethnic” couple in the margin. Inclusiveness!
Actually, the real horror-show of race sensitivity happens a few pages later, when Weddingstar depicts a creepy mass wedding of brides and grooms so diverse it’s like The Puzzle Place in there:
Let me point out that part of the diversity is that white Brides and grooms can choose a figurine that matches their haircolor, or total lack of hair! But if you are a person of color, you should just feel lucky to have the opportunity to spend twenty dollars putting a plastic representation of an able-bodied member of your race on top of your wedding cake.
And the figures are interchangable, so mixed-race couples can get in on the plastic Mini-me action (As long as they are white or have black hair). But of course none of those couples are depicted at The Puzzle Place wedding. And the bald black figurine is by himself, standing next to the piano. PLAY IT, SAM!
Don’t stop cringing yet, there’s more!
Looks like at Weddingstar, “ethnic” is to “black” as “modern” is to “gay.” So what was with all the hubbub about the launch of Equally Wed if Condé Nast was publishing Modern Bride for 60 years? Oh, right, “gay” != “modern.” The only words Weddingstar can properly define are “useless,” “obnoxious,” and “bullshit.”